dodging mirrors

Mar. 1, 2010 at 7:44am with 27 notes

Reblogged from beenthinking

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

“ABC” - Jackson 5

I woke up this morning from some incredibly deep yonder, feeling warm.

Not warmed; Self heated. And it was enough to make me grin and launch from bed. Climb into neglected yoga clothes and head out into the frozen morning.

It’s been a long, insular, off-kilter week. For a variety of reasons. Long work hours and a professional mistakes I had a difficult time letting myself off the hook for. Stern daily reflections on balance and loyalty.

I found myself making more excuses for time alone. Work late, see friends quickly, beg off with laments of more work to do at home. But really, I just wanted to be.

I’m realizing that the more annoyed with other people I felt, the less present I was. I’m feeling off with a few people and some of it is beyond my control. But a lot of it has to do with how drifted and head-based I’ve been this week. How I’ve been wrangling to get a hold of expectations, to rebuild an adjusted foundation of them; As if they really have anything to do with life.

All of this is to say that I woke up feeling free, finally. Remember in Scooby Doo when they were forever freezing villains in blocks of ice, mid gesture (I think it was Scooby; I could be confusing my campy 80’s cartoons)? That’s what this week has been like. Frozen and waiting and working and thinking.

But I woke up this morning ready to move and breathe. To stop overthinking and to soften my face and my step and let go. But also to stop worrying that all my words, that I, can’t be small enough to fit you right now. It’s not my job to shrink down to that space.

So why don’t we get up, go grab huevos rancheros, sausage bread and homemade peaunt butter. Find some grace for yourself and those you love and track down some kids to play with. Maybe the best is yet to come.

“But also to stop worrying that all my words, that I, can’t be small enough to fit you right now. It’s not my job to shrink down to that space.”

Sometimes I worry that I won’t be great enough for you, that there’s a wide space that you walk in and that anytime anyone tries to get in, they’ll be able to come within inches of you but when it comes to getting centimeters close to you, poof. Then I realize you aren’t looking for me to fit inside, or expand myself to, your space.